Welcome to our readers, commenters, family and friends. It's our first ever liveglog in primetime and one of the first times I'll be writing about something on television instead of my handy-dandy XM Radio. I'm still pretty new at this whole thing, so I appreciate as many comments as possible. If you've never commented before, please sign up. We'd love to hear from you and keep you hanging around.
Still, I refuse to pretend that this is your only place to read a liveglog about this Home Run Derby nonsense, so if you get bored of my incessant use of the terms "tater tot" or "ding-dong" or "Justin Morneau hatred", please check out one of the following purveyors of livegloggery:
- The 700 Level by
- Deadspin by Matt Sussman
- Bugs & Cranks by Andy Smith
- LoHud Yankees Blog by Peter Abraham
- Big League Stew by 'Duk
- Fanhouse by Pat of WHYG,AVS?
- Baseball Musings by David Pinto, but heck, he liveglogs the entire season from March to October
- ...and dozens more
But if you love me as much as I love you, you'll stay here at Walkoff Walk. Here goes nothing!
7:55PM: Hey did anyone watch the Baseball Tonight pre-game nonsense? What did I miss?
8:00PM: Hey Three Doors Down, irrelevance called and they want you back immediately. Let's move it along, Poor Imitation of a Poor Imitation of an Already Shitty Bon Jovi.
8:04PM: Sorry, I thought I signed up to liveglog a Home Run Derby, not a concert by a band nobody really cared about in 1999 when they were popular. I have rational hatred for a musical act!
8:07PM: Holy shit Yankee Stadium has become anthropomorphized and is talking to me. No, I will not hit it into your black. You dirty, dirty boy. Hey, Chris Berman has become anthropomorphized and is being broadcast over the P.A. Bob Sheppard must be spinning in his grave.
8:10PM: Boo! Justin Morneau! Boo! He once played hockey? Irrational boo! Hey, Josh Hamilton got a lot of cheers. Good for him. I like how the eight players are lined up along the front of the home plate circle thingy. Works well. HOLY SHIT RICK REILLY! KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!
8:12PM: Yeah I think Chase Utley said "Boo? Fuck you!" during the intros. Chase, I speak for all Yankees fans when I say "We love anyone who hurts the Mets as bad as you, fella." They weren't booing you, they were saying "Doooooooo good, Chase!"
8:14PM: Chris Berman and Joe Morgan agree with me. Chase Utley will win this thing. Anyone else got any picks? Anyone wanna bet on when this thing ends? Over/under 10:30PM?
8:16PM: Notorious Jew-hater and half-Puerto Rican Reggie Jackson is set to toss out the ceremonial first pitch to...DREAMBOAT DEREK JETER! Swoon. Good work, Senor Octobre. The fans love them some Derek Jeter. WHO DOESN'T? /glares at Morneau. Hey it's Erin Andrews interviewing the original dreamboat. SENSORY OVERLOAD
8:18PM: Dan Uggla leads off after the first commercial, Metschick. C'mon back and watch your NL East enemies do good.
8:20PM: I can't wait to get me some of that Baseball Network goodness. Hopefully they'll end the Baseball Tonight monopoly over live, in-game highlights. Sorry, Gammons, but it's the only way to escape the John Kruk/Steve Phillips cabal.
8:22PM: Erin Andrews says something about underprivileged kids getting some money or something if something happens. All I know is that a kid wearing a Brewers helmet looks a lot like Urkel.
8:24PM: Danny Uggla puts his two first pitches over the wall. Nice way to break the ice, sir. I'd like for this to be the year one of them kids shagging flies in the outfield takes a flyball off their eye socket and shatters their orbital bone. Danny's got 4 tater tots in 7 tries so far. LOOK OUT FOR TOTS
8:26PM: Dan Uggla's kid is simply adorable. Guess his boys can swim well. Hey, Mike Gallego is still employed! Good on him.
8:28PM: The greatest thing Dan Uggla could have done was murder Rick Reilly with one of them gold balls. Still, lacking that accomplishment, he nailed six tater tots in his appearance. He might advance!
8:30PM: Here comes lefty Grady Sizemore. He's half-black! Or something! He nails a ding-dong with his first two swings. Nicely done, centerfielder of some reknown.
8:32PM: Who the fuck just exclaimed "Holy cow, who needs steroids?" after Sizemore put one in the upper deck? What goddamned hack asked that ridiculous question? WAS THAT RICK REILLY
8:34PM: Senor Sizemore is doing very, very well. If he played for the Yankees, we'd push Jeter out of a plane and call Grady our boyfriend, no questions asked. Sizemore just hit one of the longest homers I've ever seen and Joe Morgan says that "he forced that swing." Fuck you, Morgan.
8:36PM: Hey Mark Shapiro, we'll send you Melky Cabrera and the remains of Phil Hughes plus $10,000,000 for Grady Sizemore. Deal? Grady ends up with six ding dongs, tied with Danny Uggla. COMMERCIAL BREAK
8:40PM: I like the Ben Sheets pick to start the ASG. I like the Cliff Lee one too even if Roy Halladay eats pieces of shit like him for breakfast. Hey, it's Evan Longoria! He might get zero tater tots.
8:42PM: And of course Evan proves me wrong by hitting his second swing out of the park. Whatever, dude. Throw me a bone, kid. You're like 7 years my junior.
8:44PM: After two of Longoria's tater dongs hit the upper deck in left (a DiMaggioan feat, indeed) Joe Morgan exclaims "Those are upper deck shots." ARE THEY JOE? REALLY? Longoria finishes with three measly tater tots in his HR Derby debut. Not bad.
8:46PM: Full disclosure: I had tickets to the 'celebrity softball game' and passed. I hung out by the pool instead. I do not regret this choice. Here's Chase "Senor Tasty Kakes" Utley.
8:48PM: Utley is making me nervous by hitting exactly zero homers with his first three swings, but he puts the fourth one out, despite "overswinging". Shut up already, Morgan. Your repetition is irritating.
8:50PM: Chase Utley gets booed for not hitting taters and some dumb kid gets cheered for making a lucky catch. Yep, these are my compatriots.
8:52PM: Utley puts out his first two gold balls to finish with five. Behind Uggla and Sizemore but ahead of Longoria. I don't feel too dumb. At least I don't feel Joe Morgan dumb.
8:56PM: Oh the George Brett pine-tar incident. I remember it well, because it happened the same day I shit my pants at preschool. My parents call that the "pants tar incident".
8:58PM: I made that story up. I shit my pants in '82. Anyway, here's Fat Elvis, aka Lance Berkman. That sonofabitch switch hitter is hitting lefty AS OPPOSED TO WHAT I READ ON THE INTERNET TODAY. I hope he gets negative zero dongs.
9:02PM: Are we sure Miguel Tejada is 34 years old? After Fat Elvis hit an upper deck tot, Tejada giggled like a 12 year old girl who just learned what 'fellatio' means. BTW I still haven't learned that word. Berkman is simply abusing the gold balls. WHAT A GREAT CATCH BY THE KID IN THE BLACK!
9:04PM: Lance Berkman nails 8 tater tots and earns my respect. He punished the ball worse than the time I got punished for shitting my pants in kindergarten. Interested in playing first base for New York (AL), sir?
9:06PM: I stole this from Suss:
He stole it from The Sports Hernia. Good work, gents.
9:08PM: Instead of talking about Justin Morneau while he bats, I will give a dissertation on John McCain's ideas about economic growth in 2008 and beyond, from a globalization perspective with a focus on supply-side.
9:10PM: Aw, forget it, I have no idea what I'm talking about with economics OR baseball. Let's talk about LOLcats! Justin Morneau is doing well so far. Rudy Giuliani looks like shit, but that's no different than NINE YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS RELEVANT. Get bent, jacko.
9:12PM: Monsieur Morneau ends up with eight dongs, tied with Fat Elvis, and I am shamed by his prodigious output. HEY THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THE 2006 AL MVP VOTE, BERMAN.
9:14PM: I'm going to the game tomorrow night so you'll be able to enjoy the dulcet liveglogging tones of Camp Tiger Claw. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take though. This shit is sensory overload. Here's Ryan Braun.
9:16PM: On a related note, my local kosher bakery just closed. Where am I supposed to get good bagels now? I mean the real kind of bagels, that are boiled and baked and are nice and crispy on the outside and doughy on the inside and actually have a fucking hole in them and aren't just shitty rolls.
9:18PM: Ryan Braun's agent had some troubles with the first few pitches but he seems to be setting the kid up well now. Braun's got four taters in his first 11 swings.
9:20PM: FYI I almost never see upper deck ding-dongs in left field at Yankee Stadium. This is absolutely an awesome spectacle of manliness. In fact, I'm actually getting some extra testosterone from watching this. NO MORE SHITTIN MY PANTS NOW, MA!
9:22PM: Hey Ryan Braun, I think you'd look good in pinstripes. No, not those ridiculous Brewer pinstripes, I mean real natural dark blue pinstripes. Lemme know.
9:24PM: I can't wait to not watch the Olympics!
9:27PM: Josh Hamilton's pitcher is Craig Counsell's great grandfather? Huh? He puts his first swing to good use and knocks a dong to deep right center. Good work. COULDA BEEN A CRACKHEAD
9:29PM: Well, it's official. Josh Hamilton is MADE OF MAGIC. Five hundred and two feet to the back wall of the bleachers? Walkoff Walk salutes you, good sir.
9:31PM: I wasn't rooting for Hamilton before because I am a sarcastic prick. Well, I'm still a sarcastic prick but now I'm cheering loudly for the fella. HIT ONE OFF THE UTZ SIGN, SIR. I LOVE JALAPENO CHEDDAR POTATA CHIPS.
9:33PM: What's in the briefcase that Edinson Volquez just gave to Mr. Hamilton? Some sort of magic potions or lotions? Some sort of miracle power cure? That ump just called Hamilton's wall shot "an out" and got booed worse than the time I shit my pants on the schoolbus home in fourth grade.
9:35PM: Hitting homeruns is a "new way to get high." Go fuck yourself, Rick Reilly. Chris Berman makes a Hunts Point vegetable market reference despite the fact that the market closed. Jesus, Hamilton has been absolutely magical.
9:38PM: Milton Bradley has poor depth perception, He just got silly excited about a 295 foot out. No matter, Hamilton has SIXTEEN dongs in 24 swings. Amazing!
9:40PM: I just gasped like a schoolgirl. Twice. Once when Hamilton put one to the back of the black and once when those cops choked out the kid who caught it. OMIGOD UPPER UPPER DECK. FIVE HUNDRED EIGHTEEN FEET.
9:42PM: I hope nobody has plans tonight. Hamilton might keep this thing rolling until midnight. Oh David Ortiz, you big dummy. Sit down.
9:44PM: Wait a minute...I love Josh. Why did I give up my tickets to this Home Run Derby? I mean, I'm grateful to be sharing this with you, the reader, but shit. This is spellbinding. Can we just have Hamilton hit all night? Tell everyone else to go home? Do we really need to see anyone else?
9:46PM: Hamilton just took a break to have some purple stuff. No, he wasn't 'tussin. No, it wasn't purple drank. Please hit 30, Mr. Hamilton.
9:48PM: Joe Morgan's voice is what I want to hear in my head when I'm having relations and I don't want to let the flood gates open. He just makes me sad and angry. Chris Berman, however, would render me permanently impotent. GOLD BALL TIME!
9:50PM: Everyone's dream is to hit 28 tater tots at Yankee Stadium and then smell Erin Andrews' pretty, well-conditioned hair. Twenty-eight ding dongs. That's some good swingin'.