Walkoff Walk

I'm glad that someone (a) took the time to re-voice this Tim Lincecum video game ad after his pot bust and (b) made it funny and just a tiny bit NSFW. Please to enjoy.

(Thanks to Hot Clicks and Chris Mottram)

There are days when you find yourself lying on a Pacific Ocean Beach letting the waves sing you to sleep. There are days when you're surrounded by friends, family and multitudes of other loved ones, and the affection warms you like a fleece blanket. There are other days when some crazy bastard is going to swing at you with a baseball bat.

In those first two instances you should savor each moment to the fullest. In the third scenario, you should duck.

On to this week's non-fatal/non-critical bat attacks!

• Our first story takes place outside Seattle's famous Pike Place Fish Market. You know it as the place where the employees throw salmon at each other mere blocks from where that one real world guy slapped that one real world dame with the fro. So obvs the place is no stranger to violence, but don't you think if someone was gonna get their bell rung it'd get rung it'd be with a fish? No dice. This week a guy got chopped back to the mound. But did he roll over and play dead like Irene did? No way, "After being hit with the bat, one suspect tried to steal his cell phone, but the man kicked the robber in the face." Solid.


• Nothing can come between two men like a financial dispute. Money is the crowbar that tears people from each other. Whether the amount be $50 or even $100, consequences can be serious. So imagine when the amount is $27,000 and you don't wanna pay it back. That's when you get driven deep to cheap seats by a fellow member of the Bridgeport, CT hispanic community. But take comfort in the fact that the news item will take no interest in why there was a $27,000 personal loan at stake.


• A miracle was averted when Richie Sambora discovered two fans on his roof weren't burglars and decided not to kill them. Tragedy struck when he returned to bed and no one had fallen off the roof. MAKE THE VIDEO ROB.


• And finally, it's time to dispense with the humour. It's time to get to down to business. You may notice the gratuitous use of the letter u when I just spelled humor. Well that's because Graeme Lloyd's Heathen Foot Soldiers have struck again Down Under. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it looks like they're hooked on bathtub speed. Two kids in Brisbane, one armed with a bat and one armed with A SWORD, have been holding up pharmacies and stealing the Sudafed. I got my eye on you, Dave Nilsson Jr.

Former MLB star reliever and emo kid Eric Gagne, who spent the summer leading the Quebec Capitales to the Can-Am League title with his 6-6 record and 4.65 ERA, wants to let you know that he'd like to bring baseball back in Montreal despite his lack of business prowess.

At a charity event in Quebec City, Gagne was asked if he would lead an investment team to help Montreal get a professional baseball team. His response:

His response, translated from his native French-Canadian tongue:

"I know baseball but I'm not a businessman and there are other things involved that I don't want to deal with. I know how to lead a good team. I know there's a lot of people and potential in Montreal but can't say much more than that. I'd need to know more about the business side of things...but yes I would be interested."

Ask folks in Boston if Eric Gagne "knows baseball" and "knows how to lead a good team" and you'll get a wildly different reaction than Gagne's own opinion.

San Francisco Giants starter Tim Lincecum has won his second straight Cy Young Award and can now lend one to his video game doppelganger. Lincecum struck out a whopping 261 hitters over 32 starts that included four complete games and two shutouts. His 15 wins were a low total, indeed, but the sorry San Fran offense supported him to a tune of 2.38 runs per game in each of the twelve Giants losses he started.

Oh, and his FIP was just 0.01 higher than Zack Greinke's and nearly half a run better than anyone else in the NL. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Not you, Tim.

Cardinals starter Chris Carpenter, who was the only gentleman to post a lower ERA than Lincecum in the National League, finished second, mostly because his time missed due to injury prevented him from matching Lincecum's innings and strikeout totals. His teammate Adam Wainwright finished third.

In a bizarre twist, Lincecum didn't even receive the most first place votes, but won the award because more folks thought Wainwright deserved third place than second. Also, Carpenter was left off of two ballots in favor of Javy Vazquez and Danny Haren; had he made those ballots, Carp would have won come a bit closer.

I think Lincecum is one of the few players in baseball that the entire staff at Walkoff Walk admires. He's talented, he's quirky, he's charming, and he's uglier than half of us. Congrats, Mr. Lincecum! Have a hot dog with us!

All over the world, people go to sleep hungry. Even in the United States of America and it's little Northern sister Canada, there are an alarming number of needy folks who don't get to enjoy the fruits of their labors on a regular basis. In these hard times, an alarming 15% of Americans are struggling to put food on the table while numbers are similarly skyrocketing in Canada.

Here in the US, Thanksgiving is just a week away and the terrifically terrifying Black Friday trails close behind. Maybe instead of spending insane dollars on crap we don't need we can direct those funds towards a good cause. Just like we did last year, we're going to persuade you to (read: guilt you into) donating cash or food to your local food banks or, even better, volunteering at your local soup kitchen.

Food banks operate year-round, not just during the holidays, and are constantly in need of volunteers and donations. Things have not been easy with companies and individuals cutting back on their charity AND more and more people showing up hungry on a daily basis. So please, do what you can and ignore that nonsense from the MLB marketing department. You DON'T need a Cleveland Indians themed Rubiks Cube as much as your neighbor needs a bowl of soup and some bread.

But hey, some of us are busy bees buzzing around the hive and we don't have time to volunteer. Lucky for you, these places take credit card donations over the Internet. Once again, here's a nearly complete list of food banks in MLB cities. Pick your favorite.

• Anaheim - Second Harvest of Orange County
• Arlington - North Texas Food Bank
• Atlanta - Atlanta Community Food Bank
• Baltimore - Maryland Food Bank
• Boston - Greater Boston Food Bank
• Chicago - Greater Chicago Food Bank
• Cincinnati - Freestore Foodbank
• Cleveland - Cleveland Foodbank
• Denver - Food Bank of the Rockies
• Detroit - Gleaners Community Food Bank
• Houston - Houston Food Bank
• Kansas City - Harvesters
• Los Angeles - Los Angeles Regional Food Bank
• Miami - Daily Bread
• Milwaukee - Hunger Task Force
• Minneapolis - Second Harvest Heartland
• New York - Food Bank for New York City
• Oakland - Alameda County Community Food Bank
• Philadelphia - PhilAbundance
• Phoenix - St. Mary's Food Bank Alliance
• Pittsburgh - Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank
• San Diego - San Diego Food Bank
• San Francisco - San Francisco Food Bank
• Seattle - Northwest Harvest
• St. Louis - St. Louis Area Food Bank
• Tampa - America's Second Harvest of Tampa Bay
• Toronto - Daily Bread
• Washington - Capital Area Food Bank

If your city or town isn't represented here, head on over to Feeding America. Thanks for reading; let's hope that by the time we all sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, there are millions of folks who can take their names off the list of the hungry.

(Photo courtesy of Mr. Kris at Flickr)

Mike Scioscia, who led his Los Angeles Angels of Angelheim to a tidy division title despite the untimely loss of one of his employees, won the AL Manager of the Year award. Jim Tracy, who led his Colorado Rockies to a tidy Wild Card spot despite the untimely mishandling of the team by his predecessor Clint Hurdle, took the NL Manager of the Year award.

Ron Gardenhire finished second in the AL despite "doing so much with so little". You hear that, Joe Mauer? You're inconsequential to the success of your squadron! Some old fart did all the heavy lifting!

The Manager of the Year award is the least analytical of any post-season award doled out by the BBWAA, which is why I cannot allow myself to critique their choices. Go ahead! Reward some middle-aged greaseballs for screwing up the least. Managerial moves aren't strategically that important to the outcome of a game anyway.

With retailers already stocking Christmas decorations and Christmas specials already airing on TV, it's time your friends at Walkoff Walk got into the act! Let's kick off the Christmas season by mercilessly mocking this article from MLB.com about the Virtual Catalog.

It's that time of year
When the world falls in love...

When the Virtual Catalog launches at the MLB.com Shop -- signaling the official start to another season of holiday shopping.

I swear this is the actual opening to an article about what overpriced products you should buy from Major League Baseball this Christmas.

When you put out the Forever Collectibles Holiday Decor. It's still early so let's get right to those ornaments, snow globes, stockings, candy canes and whatever else you might need to get your home into holiday mode -- baseball-style. It's what many of your fellow fans are doing right this second, and these essentials start at only $14.99.

Forget the recession, people. This year, you're going to give all your money to Major League Baseball and its related properties. I mean, really: What sport goes better with early winter holidays than baseball!

When you need the official site to be sure, when you know it's safe and easy, when you need help navigating the upcoming shipping deadlines. The MLB.com Shop will make it easy for you to manage these. Guaranteed To Get There reminders will keep you organized if you push things to the deadline, as so many of us do.

Holy crap, he's still going on the "Christmas Waltz" theme. Yes, that Carpenters' song really does have a lot to do with Guaranteed To Get There Reminders. I am also extremely excited that MLB.com will be there for me just in case I push things to the last minute, as many of us often do.

When a new World Champion drives the momentum, and that is happening right now with the much-anticipated "27 Collection" arriving at the MLB.com Shop. Order the Yankees 27-Time World Series Champions cap or maybe a 27-Time Dynasty T-shirt. The line that will feature fleece, tees, fitted caps, jackets and hoody items, adding to the largest selection of title products in sports history.

I have to tell you, I've been anticipating this 27 Collection for months now. I was all, "Man, I hope the Yankees win the World Series, because then there might be a collection of merchandise involving the number 27." I am impressed that it's the largest selection of title products in sports history, too; last year I bought a pair of Philadelphia Phillies World Series Champion pajama pants. What other products could they have added?

You'll be happy to know the Carpenters' parody is over, and it's time for some marketing-speak.

"The idea behind this is to own Black Friday as far as licensed sports apparel is concerned," Howard Smith, senior vice president of licensing at Major League Baseball Properties, told Sports Business Journal. "None of us really imagined 27 would be what consumers would be focusing on, but since it is, that's where our focus will be."

Hey! Howard Smith! Did you just see what I wrote above? I've been hoping for 27-themed championship apparel since at last July. I am a marketing genius! Hire me! You'd be able to own Black Friday every year, even if it doesn't fall on a day that's coincidentally the same number of World Series championships the Yankees have won. (Last year's Phillies "November 2" sale was a bit too early.)

It's that time of year...

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say the "Christmas Waltz" parody was over? Ha. It actually continues for 15 more paragraphs, one of which is just, "When babies enter the baseball fold." (Yes, on MLB's site the word "babies" links to baby apparel, but c'mon.) Other exciting products include a Hideki Matsui 2009 World Series MVP Mini Dirt Collage. Is dirt (sorry, "game-used dirt") really all that exciting?

Let's just go to the last paragraph.

Right now, baseball season has given way to holiday shopping season. The Virtual Catalog is here. Soon enough it will be Black Friday, leading right into that wonderful Cyber Monday excitement on Nov. 30, and then one shipping deadline after another on into the magical holidays of December, when the presents are unwrapped.

That's about right. If you're wondering, it is, in order: baseball, holiday shopping, the Holiday of Black Friday, the Holiday of Cyber Monday, shipping deadline #1, shipping deadline #2, magical holidays of December. And pretty soon, it'll be time for Spring Training!

Kansas City starting pitcher Zack Greinke has won the American League Cy Young Award thanks to a superior and dominant season despite a lack of support from a poorly assembled Royals team. Greinke received 25 of 28 first place votes for a whopping 134 total points.

Look, he beat out Felix Hernandez, Roy Halladay, Jon Lester, and Justin Verlander, each who had outstanding years of their own that, translated back a season, probably would have beaten 2008's winner Cliff Lee. King Felix actually posted a lower ERA than any AL Cy Young winner of the past decade not named Pedro, but Greinke came in half a run lower than Hernandez. That's just how awesome he was.

But only Greinke led the league in ERA, WHIP, and fewest homers allowed, finishing second in strikeouts, complete games, and shutouts, and leading the world in columns penned about his battle with depression. Yep, we just fell face first into that trap by mentioning his infinite sadness, something completely secondary to his pitching prowess.

No matter, Greinke can now be referred to solely as "Cy Young winner Zack Greinke" and not "Poster boy for the human condition Zack Greinke" in the official WoW stylebook. Kudos!

Given all the talk about baseball economics and unfair advantages afforded to deep-pocketed clubs, and Chief Wahoo's passionate screed and the equally dismissive passionate commentary that followed, I thought I'd take a couple ideas I've had kicking around my head and see if we can't think of a way to make the draft process work for everyone. This is especially important these days when the economic disparity is so great (between teams that own their own TV networks and those that must pay to get their games on local TV.)

It is a most delicate process, as the interests of keeping the field level for small market teams must be tempered by the union and its fight to ensure the players are "fairly compensated." As an unapologetic Canadian pinko, there is no way in hell I'm interested in imposing a hard slotting system on player bonuses as in the NBA, because Andrea Bargnani ain't no Lebron James just as Bryan Bullington ain't no Stephen Strasburg.

Without overhauling the entire basis of baseball business, how can even the playing field for teams handcuffed by penny-pinching owners? One simple way: allow trading draft picks.

One of the main complaints about the existing slotting system (merely a guideline and often dismissed out of hand) is it prevents struggling clubs from drafting the best players available to them as they are unable to meet their bonus/salary demands. If we allow draft picks to be traded, teams can either select the best player(s) or entertain offers from teams more in the stud's price range. As I see it, allow trading draft picks until 2 weeks after the signing deadline, currently August 15th. If a potential trading partner is willing to work with the agent's number, the drafting team can sweeten the pot. If the unsigned player isn't traded, he goes back into the draft with the original drafting team receiving the current level of compensation.

This is seemingly minor change that could benefit all teams. The big spenders can still flex their might but the little guys have more leverage. The draftees don't have to sacrifice much aside from the increased chance of playing in Pittsburgh. Giving quoteunderfundedunquote teams the opportunity to draft the best available players is really all anyone can expect of any amateur draft.

The international draft scene is rife with landmines (seriously, the Cambodian baseball association is an international force!) and attempting to impose North American labor law didn't work where my shoes, jeans, computer, car, hat, phone, or food were made, why would it work in baseball?

Full draft rules and regulations available here (Wikipedia. Shhh).

Because Florida Marlins outfielder Chris Coghlan hit .321 on the season, highest among NL rookies and in the top five overall, the good folks at BBWAA decided to award him with the 2009 National League Rookie of the Year award. Nevermind the fact that Pirates rookie outfielder Andrew McCutchen outplayed him in every single important aspect of the game: smacking more taters, recording more outfield assists, covering more range in the field, stealing more bases, drawing more walks and doing a far better hip bump. All this with 70 fewer plate appearances.

Because, you see, Chris Coghlan had a decent batting average. Above .300. That's really good and doesn't require any voter to look past the most basic of statistics to really evaluate who the better player was in 2009. You can accuse me of tilting at windmills here, but upon hearing that McCutchen did not win this award, my first reaction is to go mount my horse and take on those horrid giants.

In the American League, Oakland closer Andrew Bailey picked up the award because BBWAA voters know that throwing one inning in 26 wins is more important than, you know, starting 30 games and pitching 180 innings like his teammate, fellow rookie Brett Anderson, or like Tigers phenom Rick Porcello. Or fielding with aplomb and helping his team improve their miserable glovework like the Rangers' Elvis Andrus.